Therapy for Boundaries: Learning to Set Healthy Limits Without Guilt

Setting healthy boundaries can feel confusing, especially if you struggle with anxiety, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or complicated relationship dynamics. In therapy, we work together to help you understand where your patterns come from, build internal safety, and practice setting boundaries that are kind, authentic, and effective — so you can show up fully in your life and relationships.

Why We Talk About Boundaries in Therapy

A lot of folks come into my therapy office wanting to explore anxiety, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or relationship and attachment patterns that no longer serve them.

As we dig into their stories, histories, and goals, one word almost always comes up: boundaries.

If you spend any time on social media, you’ve probably seen the term everywhere. Boundaries have become a popular topic — and for good reason. Many of us are realizing how much our conditioning, upbringing, or past trauma shaped our ability (or inability) to set boundaries.

But here’s the real question we explore in therapy: How do we set boundaries skillfully, authentically, and with kindness — for ourselves and others?

Let’s unpack a few common misconceptions about boundaries.

Misconception #1: “Setting boundaries should be easy once I know what they are.”

When you first start learning about boundaries, it’s common to swing from one extreme to the other.

You might go from having porous boundaries — taking on everyone else’s emotions, worrying about what they think, and putting their needs first — to having rigid boundaries: saying no to everything, cutting people off quickly, or refusing to compromise.

Or maybe you freeze and struggle with the first step: even noticing when you need to set a boundary.

All of this is completely normal.

In therapy, we slow this process down. We gently unpack what you were taught about boundaries, explore the protective parts of you that resist change, and build compassion for the parts that are scared, overly responsible, or quick to shut people out.

Your current boundary style served a purpose — it kept you safe. It was intelligent and adaptive at the time. We can’t simply bulldoze through years of learned survival responses. Instead, we focus on building a sense of internal safety and practicing boundary setting on multiple levels: somatic, emotional, and psychological.

Misconception #2: “I’ve tried setting boundaries, but no one listens.”

This is such a common frustration. Here’s the thing: there’s a difference between a request and a boundary.

When someone says, “I set a boundary and they didn’t listen,” I’ll often ask what they said. Usually, it’s something like:

“I asked them not to talk to me that way.”
“I told them that didn’t feel fair.”

Those are requests — which are a great place to start, especially with people you trust. Requests open up dialogue and give others a chance to respect your needs.

But a boundary isn’t about getting someone else to change — it’s about deciding what you will do if they don’t.

For example:

“If you continue to speak to me that way, I will leave the conversation.”

When requests are ignored or repeatedly dismissed, we move to clear, enforceable boundaries.

Misconception #3: “Boundaries are mean or selfish.”

Many of us carry people-pleasing parts that fear setting boundaries. These parts were often shaped by early experiences — being punished, yelled at, or shut out for speaking up. They learned that it was our job to manage other people’s feelings.

But healthy boundaries aren’t cruel — they are an act of love.

As Brené Brown reminds us, the most boundaried people are also the most compassionate, because they can say “yes” and mean it. Prentis Hemphill beautifully says:

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love both you and me simultaneously.”

Setting boundaries may sometimes upset others — and that’s okay. They are allowed to have their feelings, just as you are allowed to protect your well-being. True boundaries create more space for love, authenticity, and connection — not less.

A Note on Safety and Nuance

Everything I’ve shared here assumes there is enough safety in the relationship to set boundaries and process the outcome. In some cases, the healthiest boundary may be no contact, especially when requests and boundaries have been repeatedly ignored.

And in situations involving abuse, setting a boundary may not be safe at all. In those cases, working with a trained therapist can help you find the safest path forward.

Interested in learning more about setting boundaries? I’ll be doing another post soon on the ‘Six steps to setting a boundary’ as outlined by Juliane Taylor Shore in her book Setting Boundaries That Stick (which I’m currently obsessed with!)