How to Set Boundaries Using Somatic Therapy & IFS: Six Steps
If you’re searching for how to set boundaries, how to stop people-pleasing, or how to use somatic therapy and IFS to communicate limits, this guide breaks down the process step-by-step. You’ll learn how to set clear external boundaries, regulate your nervous system during hard conversations, and communicate from Self-energy instead of fear, anger, or exhaustion. These six steps integrate somatic tools, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and trauma-informed language to help you create boundaries that are kind, firm, and sustainable.
Learning How to Set Boundaries in Therapy (Using Somatic & IFS Tools)
Most of us know we want to set boundaries—but actually doing it is a whole different skill. If you’re a lifelong people-pleaser or tend to slip into a fawn response, the gap between “I know I need boundaries” and “I can clearly set one” can feel overwhelming.
Once we’ve done enough healing work to feel grounded and safe enough to set a boundary, new questions come up: What do I say? How do I say it kindly? How do I set a limit without blowing up the relationship?
Healthy boundaries aren’t about cutting people off. They’re often about setting limits so we can stay in relationship with more clarity, connection, and safety. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy language, boundaries work best when they come from Self-energy—calm, clarity, and compassion—rather than from hurt, anger, or defensiveness.
Below is a concise guide to Juliane Taylor Shore’s 6 steps for setting boundaries (credit to her book Setting Boundaries That Stick). These steps focus on external boundaries, meaning what you will do in response to someone else’s behavior—not trying to control or change them. To learn more about external boundaries, as well as the other types of boundaries we can practice, check out this blog post.
6 Steps to Setting Boundaries Using Somatic Therapy & IFS
You can practice each step on your own, in a journal, or with a therapist before setting a boundary in real life.
1. Clarify Why the Boundary Matters
Setting a new boundary is uncomfortable, so clarity helps you stay committed. Ask yourself:
Why is this boundary important for me?
What is the cost of not setting it?
What value does this boundary support—self-respect, rest, honesty, connection?
How could this limit reduce struggle or resentment in the relationship?
A grounded “why” becomes your anchor when the boundary gets tested.
2. Define the Action You Will Take (The External Boundary)
This is the heart of boundary setting: What will you do differently going forward?
Think:
What action protects my wellbeing? What behavior is no longer okay with me? What am I prepared to do consistently?
Example boundary language:
“If conversations become insulting, I’m going to end the call.”
“If you continue to be late for pickups, I’ll arrange alternate childcare.”
“If you raise your voice at me, I’m going to step outside until we can talk calmly.”
Practice saying your boundary with a calm, grounded tone.
3. Prepare for Their Possible Reactions (Without Changing Your Boundary)
If you grew up believing it was “bad” to upset others, this step might feel scary. Even when you’re clear and kind, the other person’s parts may get triggered. They might feel:
sad
angry
defensive
ashamed
eager to promise change
These reactions are normal. Their feelings do not change your boundary. Preparing ahead of time helps your nervous system stay in Self rather than collapsing, fawning, or getting reactive. By anticipating the ways they might respond, you can be ready to respond in turn.
It’s also an act of compassion—imagining their experience while staying rooted in your own.
4. Notice How You Might React (Your Internal System)
Once you imagine their possible responses, look inward:
What parts of me get activated if someone gets upset?
Does a young part fear abandonment?
Does a protector part want to appease them or argue back?
What sensations show up in my body?
In IFS and somatic work, you can help these parts feel safer so Self remains steady and present.
5. Create a Self-Soothing Plan (Regulate Your Nervous System)
A powerful tool for boundary work is: Practice the Pause.
Pausing lets you notice your internal state and meet your protective parts with compassion rather than urgency.
Before, during, and after the boundary conversation, you might:
place a hand on your heart or belly
take a few grounding breaths
repeat an inner message like, “It’s okay, I’m here.”
ask, “What does this part need from me right now?”
Working with a somatic or IFS therapist can help you build this skill.
6. Practice, Rehearse, and Follow Through (Reassert the Boundary)
Now imagine yourself reasserting the boundary if the other person pushes back. They might:
argue
minimize
guilt-trip
attempt to negotiate
promise change
This is where consistency matters. You can stay kind and compassionate without abandoning your limit.
Example boundary language for follow-through:
“I hear that you disagree, and I still need to end the conversation if the yelling continues.”
“I know you’re upset, and my decision remains the same.”
“I care about you, and I’m keeping this limit to protect the relationship.”
Imagining this ahead of time keeps you anchored in Self-energy. Imagine how it will feel for you to reassert and keep your boundary.
The Bottom Line: Boundaries Help You Stay Connected From Self
These six steps won’t guarantee a perfect outcome or change how someone else behaves. But they will help you:
stay anchored in Self
move past people-pleasing
interrupt old relational patterns
communicate needs clearly and compassionately
Working with an IFS or somatic therapist can help you feel safer, more confident, and more connected to your worth as you practice healthy external boundaries.